Roots

Empty

2011-05-03T14:30:00.000-04:00

Some more blog entries I found in draft...

6.29.09

I was on my way to work the other day and a thought occurred to me...I had been thinking about events of the week before, events of this past year in my own life, and events that I can foresee in the not-so-distant future...And I came to the conclusion that I am in a season (yes, Sara, a season) of emptying.

I have been discouraged at so many things...At myself, for not being a better person, a better wife, a better mom, and better friend of God...And discouraged, maybe even angry at those around me, for similar reasons. I've been so focused for so long on myself that here I am, a bit lonely, and I know it's mostly my own fault that I haven't made myself a part of anyone else's heart.

I've been noticing that things and people are being taken away. This week my mother's mom passed away, and it has caused my to consider that time is surely passing quickly and generations are making their way through this life and into eternity. I was a young girl when my grandfather passed away, but I'm grown now and my parents are that much older. I am especially close with my father's parents, and I can cry on a dime if I think of the loss of those I adore and admire so deeply.

I've been put through trials that are, in essence, a test of trust, a test of faith, a test of endurance...Each day is a test of whether or not I trust the Lord with what is precious to me. When I think I've come to terms with "letting go", another storm comes and I am swept under again, realizing yet again that I trust God very little with those He has entrusted to me for a time.

So I asked the Lord "why" this all is, all at the same time, all overwhelming...And I believe that this is an emptying - that is the difficult reality. If I take the woman I am, and I take away my control (which is only perceived), my freedom (which is easily revoked), my will, my "self"...And I am refilled with love that is not my own, freedom that can't be taken away, peace beyond all understanding...Who then will I be?

9.14.09

This past month, or maybe year...well, whatever...as of late so many things have changed, and i am not one who likes change much. i've had some thoughts, lots of them actually, these past months and have written nothing down, maybe because i'm lazy, but more likely because i didn't want to sit and really impress upon myself the gravity of things.

last week hannah went to school...public school...for the first time. i am at peace with the decision, but the change is extreme. she goes off to someone else every morning, and i guess it gives me some rest and time to be with naomi alone, but mostly i just miss her. i'm glad to hear her stories when she comes home, happy to hear she's doing well...but in my heart i ache a bit because i enjoy her presence and i can't have it.

then yesterday our neighbors, who we adore, told us they may be moving. now, as an adult i can handle it...but all hannah can think about right now is the fact that her bike-riding buddy won't be here anymore. last night she started grieving that loss, even before they've moved...she considered in her mind what it will be like without her friend two doors down, and she could barely stand it. and so she cried...hard. it was all i could do not to cry hard along with her...i, too, have had friends who moved from me recently. not geographically, but their season in my life is passed and i've had to let go. i was talking to warren last night, just wondering if we all might be better off if we grieved like children do...they anticipate the reality of things, and they begin to grieve - not secretly or when everyone is asleep, but right out in the open, so that they can be carried through it all by the ones they love and trust. and kids are so honest...i asked hannah if she believes that God will bring her another friend, and she said she didn't know. in honesty, i think sometimes we say we have faith when we have none, and perhaps we'd be better encouraged by others if we just told the truth...sometimes we just don't know what God will do.

and personally, adding to my list of changes, i am in a state of being broken...and i'm having a hard time. i see my stubbornness, my waywardness, and my resistance, and i still fight and fight as though i can win. yesterday i prayed (perhaps this wasn't a good idea...) that God will continue to break me. i am in need of it, even though it is painful...i have so much to let go of, and so much fear that nothing will be taken care of if i don't have my hand in it. but such is this process of learning and growing, that another season of letting go has come into my life.

5.3.11

I can't really say whether or not this season of mine is over even now. I feel as though I am being filled again, and as though the storms have passed at least for now. But I'm thankful to see that I've been brought through a time of barrenness. At the time I think it just felt dark and alone, but now I can see the good that has come out of it, and I can see how I have been changed by it. Funny how so much of my struggle is with letting go of control, and how just yesterday I was talking about our wills and the kids and all of that...It's like the trials were all leading to this. Coincidence, perhaps, but I doubt it.

thoughts on a monday night...

2011-05-02T20:07:00.007-04:00

Warren and I are going to California. And up until today I have been scared out of my wits.

I am petrified of airplanes, and even more than that, after the birth of Jude I became increasingly aware of our responsibility as parents, to make good choices and to stay safe - and preferably alive - for our kids. At work I have become more and more conscious of my humanity, my equality with those that I care for. I am the same as them...One day they may have been fine, and the next they needed a whole new heart, or at least help with the one they already had. Today I am fine...But five minutes from now I may not be.

For a while I didn't even think I could go anywhere - I didn't want to risk it. I have cried...a lot...just in fear, and in uncertainty about the future if something awful were to happen to us. I have spent some time with each of the kids as they were sleeping, just thinking about things and hoping that I love them enough every day for them to remember it. Every day I have thanked the Lord for the day that has passed, and prayed for one more if He sees fit.

I told my husband that before we set foot inside the death-trap airplane, we must have our wills finished. I didn't want to leave things to be decided by our families (or God forbid by our government). So we've been thinking and praying over our wishes. I've had to surrender each of my babies to the Lord, over and over in my heart, because no matter what we choose, it really comes down to believing that God will take care of them. God will take care of them even though our oldest will be separated from our other two...God will take care of them even though someone else will be parenting them all...God will take care of them because He loves them more than I do.

Can you believe that? It's so hard for me to think about someone loving them more than I do. I was talking to Warren the other night about parenthood, and about how you have these little people that you'd throw yourself in front of a bus for. Without a second thought. But my God loves them even MORE than that, and I believe that He will take care of them even if I cannot be there with them.

Maybe this is a little bit deep for a Monday evening, but it's where I have been for quite a while now. I think it has made my life deeper, more rich and full than it has ever been. I have peace about things, finally, not because I have control of the variables but because I know who does. And I do believe that the ones I hold closest to my heart are held even closer to God's - and in that I can rest.

what love does

2009-11-02T16:25:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was inspired to start writing again, in my loads of free time (ha, ha)...I found a few posts in draft that I think I'll share...

11.2.09 I talked to my Pap (my dad's father) this morning, and he's been struggling with a lot of pain issues in his knee recently. I asked him how he was doing and he said he was doing pretty cruddy. He's not one to complain, unless it's about me not locking my screen door or buying a timer for my water heater, so when he says he's hurting...well...he's really hurting.

Then he said that he'd rather HIS knee hurt than my grandmother's or my dad's...He'd rather have it happen to him than to someone else. He said, "That's what love does to you."

Crutches for Christmas...A word of advice to all parents.

2009-09-16T14:44:00.004-04:00

To anyone who has or will have children...Christmas is coming, and I have one word for you:

Crutches.

We have a very unique 6 year old in our home, and last year she made it known that she wished she had crutches. So we went on eBay and bought her a youth pair of crutches, all the while thinking that this must be the weirdest thing a kid could possibly get for Christmas.

So she opens the gift, screams a happy scream, and around the house she goes on her crutches. Except down the stairs.

We have visitors pretty often...We have families over or kids from the neighborhood come to play. Here is the most common conversation I hear coming from the playroom...

"Hey Hannah, did you break your leg or something?"

"No...I got those for Christmas."

"Oh...(pause...) Oooohh, these are SO COOL!"

And around the house the visiting kid goes (except down the stairs) on the crutches. And maybe even outside if it's nice.

Yesterday I walked over to our neighbor's driveway to get Hannah, and her friend was in the middle of asking her..."Can we get out your crutches?"

So that's my word of wisdom for the day, and for the Christmas season for all of you parents who can't think of anything your kid needs or wants...It's a sure winner.

I knew it was You...

2009-06-29T20:16:00.001-04:00

"I knew it was you...The whole time I knew it. But the others didn't believe me."

"And why would that stop you from coming to me?"

Oh, the times that I knew it was the Lord and I didn't bother to find Him because of the disbelief of others...

Interesting how Lucy has to go alone to meet him, how she has to travel light, how she has to travel a road that isn't easy. And this is how we must go also...Alone, with nothing but faith. She wonders, too, about what would have happened had she gone to him earlier, if the casualties would have been fewer...I wonder if the lives of those around me would be eternally different if I obeyed at once instead of waiting.

I wish I could be braver, too.

on days like these...

2009-03-11T19:35:00.012-04:00

Some days make you think about what really matters...Some days make you consider what you might do if you knew that today was your last day. I'm sure most of us would change something about ourselves, or make things right with someone, or do things that we always wanted to do in our heart of hearts...I'm sure most of us would savor every minute of that last day. It's funny how certain situations really inspire us to be better...Events in our lives that we consider tragedies can stir us to become completely different people, and can move us in ways that nothing else ever could. It's as though loss brings forth a new fervor for living, and a renewed passion for what we believe.

The thing about days like this is that eventually that feeling wears away, and most of the time we go back to living just as we did before. That stirring in us fades and we become sedate again, uninspired again, and content living the status quo.

I wonder what would happen if we could bottle days like this and take it out when we need it - if we could open that bottle when we see that we're taking life for granted...I wonder what would happen if we could generate that inspiration, that drive to be our best and to do what we know we should do. We know in our minds that each day is a gift, and yet that truth only hits us when reality strikes in someone else's life.

Today was one of those days for me...A day when things just seemed as though the world wasn't right. It made me consider the reality that we never really know when our time here will end; it made me consider how fragile any person is, no matter how strong or how young; it made me consider what I might do differently tomorrow. Today I saw a grieving father lift his hands in praise, and I hope I never forget that picture in my mind, so that maybe I truly can live as if each day was my last.

just because it's funny...

2008-09-11T21:07:00.005-04:00

All I really needed to know...

2008-09-11T20:42:00.008-04:00

I learned in kindergarten.

Hannah is 5 years old and just started kindergarten here at home...In the past few months, I've noticed some things about her that I am lacking, some things I wish I could get back. I watch how she is sometimes and I wonder where on earth she got it from.

I guess what I love most about her right now is that she loves with all of her might, and it is completely unconditional. Maybe we lose this quality as we age, or maybe it's that pride seeps in and we choose to put conditions on love, but she doesn't do that. I've had my bad days, days when I hope she'll forget my poor parenting, but the next morning she wakes me with a smile just the same, as though I took her to Disneyland the day before. Always the same, always new every morning, always with her whole heart. I wish I had that in me the way she does. It wears me out thinking of the energy it would take for me to love anything as hard as she does...I wish it were that effortless for me.

empty nest

2008-06-04T21:17:00.006-04:00

For a few weeks now Hannah has been watching a nestful of robins grow, and yesterday they all flew away. Today was her first glance at the empty nest, and I could see her disappointment. Tonight when she went to bed she expressed how much she missed her little birds.

For these past few weeks she has been watching those birds, checking on them, making sure their momma came back...The first thing she'd ask for in the morning was to check on the birds. Every day she'd peek, multiple times, just to make sure they were ok. She'd report on their growth, and tell me how they were feeling. These last couple of days she came to the conclusion that they must feel pretty squashed in that tiny nest. They were "hers" for a time, and now they've all flown away.

Holding her as she cried, I thought of how our lives are full of these kinds of experiences, full of gain and loss, of meeting and parting. I thought of how soon enough my little wee one will leave this nest and fly on her own, and about how I will grieve that day just as Hannah grieved this one. I thought of how, one day, my tired body will no longer be able to keep up this home we live in and I will leave it for the last time. I thought of past friendships that I KNEW would last forever but didn't, not because they weren't good but because their time was past.

I can think of many things that I consider mine that really aren't...Things that I tend to, that I care for, that I check on daily. And some day, perhaps sooner than later, the fact that they are not mine will be made clear because they will be gone. But like Hannah's birds, the time we have with these things of worth in our lives are made all the sweeter by the knowledge that they will not be with us forever...Perhaps it's even the prospect of the loss that makes having something even more intense and powerful and meaningful.

On the far brighter side, we know that these losses and partings are followed by greater joys, and by the wisdom that comes from the experiences we have. I read something recently that suggested that the memory of something is worth just as much as the experience itself, and it continues to influence us, and change us. Tomorrow Hannah looks forward to watching for her birds - not in the nest but in tree branches and on the lawn, searching out their own food and enjoying their new freedom.

Bug-isms

2008-05-13T13:39:00.005-04:00

The Bug remembers everything...and I mean EVERYTHING.

Yesterday she and I were out in the front garden, and I was pruning one of my bushes, and she was poking around behind me trying to find worms. She said, "Remember when I cut my head on that pricker bush?" Last summer she had indeed cut her head on the thorns of one of our bushes. Then she said, "That must've hurt Jesus when they put thorns on His head. I bet He cried when they did that."

I was doing laundry a couple of weeks ago and she said, "Remember when I was little and you put me in the laundry basket with the laundry and carried the basket with me inside?" She was less than 2 years old at the time, but yep - I used to do that.

Glad I have her so I never forget anything.

good morning

2008-04-26T10:15:00.009-04:00

We had company last night and stayed up late, and we all slept in this morning...Hannah woke up around 8am and came in to visit us, and she reminded me that we had planned a surprise for the morning. She and I went downstairs and made cinnamon rolls (not from scratch...give me a break), and then we took our tray of food upstairs and had a family breakfast in bed.

It's about 10am now, and I am in the family room watching Hannah play in the back yard. Our yard drains into a little creek...It's man-made, but it's got cattails and wildflowers, and a few frogs and ducks. If I were Hannah's age I'm sure I'd imagine it was some great river, or the perfect hiding place for baby Moses. Hannah's out there now on its "banks", basking in the sun in her bathing suit with a tiny pillow and an umbrella, picking all the dandelions she can find.

We adults make life way too complicated.

ode to my friend...

2008-04-24T21:05:00.002-04:00

No one but two special people will get this...

I could go for some Taco Bell...

pure joy

2008-04-12T19:48:00.006-04:00

the list is life

2008-04-03T13:29:00.003-04:00

Warren and I watched Schindler's List this past week, over a couple of nights. He had never seen it, and I hadn't seen it for several years. Every so often I'll watch The Passion of the Christ, or movies like Schindler's List, just to snap me back to reality, and more often then not I glean some wisdom from them and think on it for a while.

The list is life, they said. And for us that's also true - the list is life, and one day I'll hear my name read out of the book in which the list is written.

At the end of the film, Schindler looks at his possessions and sees what they are worth - not in dollars but in people he could have added to his list. He looks at his car and estimates how many he could have saved with that car...He takes off his lapel pin and says he could have saved two more people with the money he would have gotten from it. I've applied this to a few other things since I started meditating on it, one in particular. We've been praying about a decision we're making...a big decision, partially monetary but mostly spiritual. It will influence the future of a precious little person, and our faith is being tried through it. The conclusion that I've come to is that when I come to the end of my days, I don't want to be someone looking around at my possessions, calculating how many people I might have influenced with the money that purchased them. I don't want to trade the right thing for the comfortable thing. I don't want to lead a "priviledged" life, or give our children that same priviledge, if it means we'll have to sacrifice what we know to be most important.

If I'm old and gray and have pennies to my name, but can look at those I love and tell them I did all that I could to bring them to the feet of Jesus (with the prayer of their names being added to that precious list), then I'd say it's worth the trade.

More Bug-isms

2008-04-03T12:44:00.005-04:00

The Bug's been on a baby kick lately...She and I were making the spare room bed and she bumped into the Pack-N-Play crib I keep in there for company. She said, "We won't need that crib until a screamin' baby comes outa you!"

She told me that the dog was "antagonizing" her. Nice vocab, as always.

She likes talking in an English accent (like Julie Andrews, who, as you know, the Bug just adores). So I'll ask her whatever during the day, and she'll say, "Why, certainly", or "Certainly NOT!"

One morning she was in the bathroom and she asked when I was going to clean the toilet, because she wanted to squirt in the blue stuff and brush it. I'll remember that.

A friend of mine was chatting with her about going to school in the fall, and she said, "I can teach my teacher a thing or two."

Love stories

2008-04-03T06:53:00.008-04:00

A few of my friends have what appear to be the beginnings of their own love stories, and genuinely I find joy in watching these play out...I have a new admiration for the patience and faith they have had, because they are now reaping the fruit of it. I think the Lord has such a wonderful way of showing us His heart, just by the picture of a man and a woman falling in love. Maybe that's why love stories thrill me so.

I remember when Warren and I dated, feeling so overjoyed...I still feel that. We were constantly in pursuit of each other...Always searching for something new, wanting to know every stitch of each other. We stayed up late but we weren't tired. We talked for hours and never ran out of things to say. We found joy in dull things just because we were together. It was new and exciting, and we woke up each day with anticipation.

We married, and some things changed - for the better! Yes, we tire out now around 10pm, and we're not running on adrenaline like we were, but he doesn't have to go back to "his house" now to go to sleep...He stays here, and we wake up in the morning together. Sometimes he looks at me and says, "I don't have to go home...My car is in the garage!" - like this is brand new to him. We take joy in the fact that no matter what, we are together through it. And yes, we still are in pursuit of each others' hearts. We still consider ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. He becomes more of a hero to me every day, and more and more I can see why the Lord put us together.

Isn't that just like our relationship with the Lord...There are those adrenaline rush times, and times when we rest in Him. He pursues us, and we should pursue Him right back. He wants a relationship, He wants to be known by us, He wants us to be captivated by Him and in love with Him. Right now through my front door streams the sun, and I know that He is once again in pursuit of my attention, my praise, my adoration. He wants to be my hero.

So to you who are living a love story, know that it's teaching you about the Lord you serve. And watching you, the glow on your faces, gives me joy that I can't put into words.

Bug-isms

2008-03-20T20:48:00.004-04:00

Today the Bug wanted to play Sorry (that board game)...We started playing and she got the Sorry card, and she said something like, "Now I can switch my pond (pawn) with my opponent." Obviously she has played this once or twice.

She told me that if she ever has a little sister, the sister won't annoy her. I asked her if a brother would annoy her, and she nodded an emphatic "yes".

A suitcase full

2008-03-20T14:53:00.008-04:00

Lots of blogging and preaching about contentment lately it seems...And in my daily life I've been considering it a lot. Talk of recession, gas prices projected to be $4 by summer, milk for $3 or more, an unmentionable amount of money per month to RG&E, the "economic stimulus" thing that as we all know we will end up paying for in the end, the decline of the USD - all of these have really caused me to be thankful for each day that I live how and where I do. And even with all of those things looming, I still am far richer than 98% of the rest of the world...You probably are, too.

I talked to my grandfather this morning and he told me about the depression...about people walking to different STATES to find food and work. We are blessed, people...Truly blessed. Today I did housework mostly - laundry and dishes, and I started dinner not long ago. And with thoughts of those who wandered the country for scraps I thanked God for every little thing - for detergent, for more than one pair of pants, for clean water, for yummy things that I don't even need, for vitamins and ibuprofen, for heat in my home, for my husband's job. I thanked God that today I have these things...Never know what I'll have tomorrow.

Kevin Pestke wrote recently about a large family he helped move home, and they packed all of their belongings into six boxes and three suitcases - for a family of eight! What if we had to fit everything that mattered to us into such a small space...What would we consider worth the space, and what would we leave behind?

So tell me, bloggers, if you had one suitcase (a medium one...with front zipper pockets let's say), and that suitcase full was the only thing you could take with you, what would you cram into it? Some of you are practiced in such things, but most of us are not. I think we should try it...Take out a suitcase! In all seriousness, tell me what you'd pack. And tell me, too, about those things that you'd grieve because they won't fit. I'll work on my list...

Painted

2008-03-11T08:03:00.007-04:00

If you've ever seen Robin Hood, there's a part in there where a little girl asks one of the men, "Did God paint you?", because he had a different color skin than she did. That stuck with me, and every so often I see something that I believe God made especially unique and beautiful, just to show us what He can do.

Here's a pic of our not-so-little puppy...beautifully painted by a Master artist.

Bug-isms

2008-03-05T03:14:00.009-05:00

I was getting dressed a few mornings ago when Hannah appeared in the bathroom and announced most proudly, "When I'm older, my underwear will match the green socks I have." Odd...

"Mom, what can we do to love Papa today?"

Since she turned five, she has had a LOT of "homework". She said it's because she's five, and "that's what five-year-olds have to do".

She told someone that I'm old.

superstar

2008-03-03T21:58:00.002-05:00

I went to a tiny little Christian high school (a Northstar rival - won't tell you which one...), and I guess you could say I was a big fish in a small pond. I played every sport, and started varsity in two of them by the time I was in 8th grade. I thought I was just hot stuff, of course...But looking back, I really didn't have a whole lot of competition, and although I had some talent, the reason I held the positions I did was just because there was no one else to fill them.

But somewhere inside I've always held on to that desire to be a superstar - someone who stands out, who is better at something than anyone else. On occasion I'll play pick-up games with someone, and if they're on the not-so-athletic side I might appear to be a step above, so to speak. Somewhere inside me I love that feeling of being better than someone. I try not to show it, and I'm sure most of the time no one notices my arrogance, but it's there.

This season I've been standing in for one of the church volleyball teams, and I love the people I'm playing with - they're great people, and I'm so glad that I've been able to do this with them. We had a game tonight, and well, it wasn't good. But just in my short ride home the Lord showed me some things...

He reinforced to me that I am no better than the next person, nor am I more or less valuable. Athletics can make us feel like we're on top of the world, or under the whole weight of it, but that feeling doesn't mean a thing about who we really are, or about what we contribute in "real life".

He showed me that my body is only as good, as healthy, and as coordinated as He allows it to be. I am aging, decaying, and becoming less and less able to "perform". That is the way I was made, and physically I am past my prime. But what it allows me to see is that it's not my strength or youth that holds me together - it is the will of God. If He willed me not to exist, that which is my body would be dust in an instant.

And He showed me that I have no right to expect Him to make me a superstar.

HE is the superstar.

Cinderella

2008-03-03T08:23:00.008-05:00

For those dads out there, and for you who have little princesses at home...Have the tissues handy.

So I'll dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I'll dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

One Way

2008-03-01T20:01:00.005-05:00

I check this photographer's blog every so often just to look at his amazing work, and the photo above caught my attention. This is one of this couple's engagement photos, and I think it's awesome - not just because it's a cool picture, but because as these two enter into a marriage relationship, it will be so very important for them to walk one way, and to walk that way together.

At some point, whoever made that road they're standing on decided which direction it should lead, and they even decided to make it more than obvious which way is the right way...Just like our God. He has given us a written one way sign, His Word, and if we head in that direction, He will bless the journey.

Priceless...

2008-02-29T09:17:00.000-05:00

International Symbol of Marriage finally approved!

After five long years of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights has approved the new Internation Symbol of Marriage:

Ode to Volleyball

2008-02-28T18:17:00.001-05:00

I was perusing YouTube and came across these videos...Notice in the second one they're playing on a tenning court. :)

what if...

2008-02-25T11:29:00.000-05:00

Warren and I barely ever watch TV - we don't have a cable package (not even the $8 one) because three months after we got married we realized we hadn't watched TV once in that time. Anyways, we do watch Lost over the internet every week, which is great because there aren't the commercials, and that's pretty much the only show we keep current on.

He had heard that another show, Jericho, was really good, and he wanted to give it a whirl...He watched the first couple of episodes online and said it was interesting, so we watched the pilot together last night. He was right - it was interesting. But completely disturbing to me because of how completely possible the scenario is.

The show is set in the tiny little town of Jericho (don't know what state that's in or if it's even a real place), and the premise is that there is a nuclear attack in several locations on U.S. soil. So all of a sudden there are no phones and no electricity, and on the horizon there's this huge mushroom cloud. Dusk sets in and the whole place is pitch black - and I mean pitch black. People get into brawl fights at the gas station because they all want to hoard for themselves...The police are completely overwhelmed...People are separated from their family members and can't find each other...It's mayhem, to make a long story short.

Yep, it was interesting. I don't think I can handle watching it regularly, but it definitely caused me to consider some things. I'm not a paranoid person, and I'm not living in constant fear of something like this, but...

What if???
Really, what if it was real? What would I do? Where would my faith lie? What would my focus be? Maybe more importantly, do I really live as if today could be IT? And if not, why not? Maybe Jesus will make His triumphant return this afternoon, or maybe today is the day I'll go home to heaven for whatever reason, and all of those scenarios boil down to the same thing.

Am I ready?

Bug-isms

2008-02-25T00:58:00.000-05:00

I've tried many ways to try to remember every funny thing the Bug says, so instead of writing it down and then losing whatever it is I wrote it on, I figured I'd just post these gems.

She and I were cooking one day..."Mom?" "Yes?" "God sure must cook good."

"Mom, I'm cumbersome."

Warren makes fires in the fireplace sometimes, and early on he had problems getting the hardwood to light. He asked around and figured out how to make it burn the way he wanted it to, and after that when he'd get a fire lit he'd beat his chest like a cave man and say loudly, "I HAVE MADE FIRE!". (Yes, we are strange folks...) A couple of fires later, after another successful lighting, Hannah looked at Warren and yelled (in her best cavegirl voice), "YOU HAVE MADE FIRE!". Love it.

She's been on a Julie Andrews kick lately, and she called me up to her room one morning and said, "Look! It works!!!". She snapped her fingers and then ran around the room putting stuff away, pretending like it was all putting ITSELF away. I guess a spoonful of sugar DOES help the medicine go down.

Many more to come, I'm sure...

when pride cometh

2008-02-21T15:13:00.000-05:00

For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. I John 2:16

Perhaps this is my year of discovery, but I'm finding that many of the "simple" truths that I have known since childhood are now becoming real to me, and my eyes are being opened to the truth of what my heart is capable of, both good and not-so-good. I looked up "pride" this afternoon in my concordance, just because I needed to, and here are just a few things I found to chew on...

The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts. Psalm 10:4

Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men! Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues. Psalm 31:19-20

The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate. Proverbs 8:13

When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom. Proverbs 13:10

A man's pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit. Proverbs 29:23

Hear ye, and give ear; be not proud: for the LORD hath spoken. Give glory to the LORD your God, before he cause darkness, and before your feet stumble upon the dark mountains, and, while ye look for light, he turn it into the shadow of death, and make it gross darkness. But if ye will not hear it, my soul shall weep in secret places for your pride; and mine eye shall weep sore, and run down with tears, because the LORD'S flock is carried away captive. Jeremiah 13:15-17

Funny how the Lord teaches me in perfect sequence. I posted not long ago about loving others - really getting our hearts around that and doing it. And then He shows me how much I am a lover of self, and how I strive to put myself in a high position. That last passage in Jeremiah talks about being carried away captive, and I think a lot of the time the captivity is not from an outside source, but one that comes from within...a captivity to self.

In the name of defending myself, I justify a lot of my own pride...I feel justified in "not being a doormat" - at work, at home, at church, wherever. Womens' lib has definitely made its way into my psyche, and sometimes it becomes a religion of sorts. But the Lord shows us a way that is contrary to that, a more excellent way...He tells us that our pride will bring us low, and that it will bring shame instead of honour. I can call it "assertiveness" or "being proactive" or "agressiveness", and perhaps in context those are not wrong attributes to have, but personally, those are crutch terms for me and I use them so that I can be "allowed" to take pride in myself. I'm an American girl, and I have RIGHTS! I can do or be whatever I want...I have the right not to be oppressed or held back...I have the right not to be opposed in any way...I am entitled to these rights! Oh, how wrong of me ever to act as though I deserve the priviledges I have been so freely given, and to assume that they won't be taken from me at some point in my life.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that I should be a doormat for anyone, or that I should allow myself to be abused. But I can tell you that I am in no way, shape, or form being abused by anyone. Truth be told, I am blessed every minute of every day, not because I deserve it but because for whatever reason the Lord sees fit for me to be where I am.

So in my day-to-day dealings, I'm feeling the need to revamp my mindset...

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Philippians 2:3

Yep, esteem others BETTER than myself. Take second place, or third. Make myself of low esteem. Consider that as Christ died He didn't argue for the sake of His rights, He didn't bring up petty aspects of my character to point out how unworthy I am of Him, and even more amazing, He didn't climb down off that cross and walk away from those He knew would never really love Him the way He deserved to be loved. He stayed...He endured...Despite His rights.

...be not proud: for the LORD hath spoken!

too much to eat

2008-02-20T21:14:00.001-05:00

So tonight we had family pizza night, which is when I make homemade pizza dough and we all make our own personal pizzas. Hannah uses cookie cutters for hers, so they're always in different shapes - tonight she had a snowman, a hand, and a foot, and of course a tiny little circle pizza for Tinkerbell (her imaginary companion).

We made our pizzas and piled them high with our favorite toppings, and we baked them, and we sat and ate. Hannah gleefully ate her "foot" pizza, and since she hadn't eaten any dinner before that, Warren wanted her to eat the snowman before she could get down from the table. She said she was full, and that she didn't feel good, but these are her common excuses for not wanting to eat her dinner so we ignored it and kept urging her to take bites until she was done. Finally she finished the snowman pizza and cleared the table, which is her job.

So after all of that, Hannah walked into the family room where I was sitting on the couch, sat on my lap facing me, and prompty threw up right down the front of my shirt. And then she did it again. And then I took her into the kitchen and sat her on a chair while I tried to clean up a bit, and she projectile vomitted all over the kitchen - 3 more times.

I was covered - and I do mean covered - in puke, as was the rug in the family room and pretty much the whole kitchen floor. And I looked at Warren and I just had to start laughing, because really, there's just not a good place to start when the mess is so huge. We made light of it and eventually Hannah was laughing, too.

I gave Hannah a bath and threw her clothes and mine into the washer...Warren was in the basement when I went down to wash the clothes, and he said that it was just God's sense of humor for Hannah to do that. He had told her, "Eat that snowman pizza", and sure enough, she did. Just so happens she had already had enough to eat this time! :)

mom

2008-02-14T00:45:00.000-05:00

I've been sick since Saturday. Really sick. I-can't-stand-long-enough-to-take-a-shower sick. So I called my mom the other night, in desperate need of help, and she came and spent the day here with Hannah and me on Monday.

After I woke from a nap, I came downstairs and found Hannah and Mom on the couch, watching The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (the super-old 80's animated version that I used to watch as a kid). The movie finished and the two of them proceeded to make dinner together, and after dinner Mom gave Hannah a bath.

I was thinking, as I watched Hannah and Mom sprinkling breadcrumbs over chicken that day, that mom really never stops taking care of me. I'm 31 years old and she's still helping to get me through days that I would struggle through alone. I know not everyone has that kind of mom, but I'm glad that I do.

To love one another

2008-02-05T13:21:00.000-05:00

I've had a thought lately running over and over in my mind these last couple of weeks, and I think it might change my whole life. Seeing as I was saved in my youth, I'm embarrassed to say it took 31 years to really consider this thought seriously.

I think we ought to love one another. Read it again - LOVE one another. It's a Sunday School phrase, one that we preach to kids and to people in quarrels. And then in the same breath we say we love our vehicles and the meal we just ate. But what does it MEAN??? The Bible says that God is love, that He wants us to love as we would want to be loved, that if we love God we will obey Him, that we should lay down our lives for each other. It is the mark of a Christian! This sounds kind of inconvenient, doesn't it? Like we'll be going out of our way all the time if we actually do what He commands? Maybe that's the ticket right there...going out of our way to get into His way.

So later today when I think of someone who I know is in need, what SHOULD I do? If it is within my power, I should provide for that need! (Now it's sounding expensive and time consuming...) But think of what the body of Christ would look like if we did it! If we provided each others' needs as we were able!

I heard a story recently of someone who saw a homeless person that had no shoes, and the person took his own shoes off and gave them to the man. I usually do the ol' "smile and nod" at these kinds of stories, perhaps because sometimes people try to guilt others into something with them, but think of it...Think of taking something off of yourself to put it onto someone else. Yep, they'd own it and you wouldn't. You'd be out a $25 pair of sneaks and you might struggle to replace them depending on your situation. But chances are, if you're at your computer right now, you've got plenty of shoes to choose from. And if not, you can just cancel your Road Runner and buy yourself a new pair with the money you save. Very few of us can honestly say that we are in need, and so very few of us (myself included) are truly willing to give to the point of discomfort.

Maybe this is a steep slope, and maybe I should just hit "delete post" and forget all about it. But what if we DID IT, and every hour of every day we purposed to love like of Jesus loved!?!

It would change everything.

Rock of Ages

2008-01-27T09:13:00.003-05:00

Warren led worship a couple of Sundays ago, and played a hymn that I've been waiting for him to do since we heard it so nicely done on a CD recently...You can listen as you read. :)

Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in Thee; Let the water and the blood, from Thy wounded side which flowed, Be of sin the double cure; Save from wrath and make me pure.

I looked up the word "cleft", and here's what it means: broken, cracked, parted, pierced, rent, ruptured, separated, sundered, or torn. The ROCK of AGES was cleft for me! What a backwards thing to do, to be so mighty and yet be pierced for one so weak as me.

Not the labor of my hands can fulfill Thy law’s demands; Could my zeal no respite know, Could my tears forever flow, These for sin could not atone; Thou must save, and Thou alone.

No, not if I worked a thousand years could I save myself. You know how sometimes just crying seems to make everything better? (Well, at least the women out there will understand that...) Well, rivers of those tears would make no difference.

Nothing in my hand I bring, Simply to the cross I cling; Naked, come to Thee for dress; Helpless look to Thee for grace; Foul, I to the fountain fly; Wash me, Savior, or I die... Wash me, Savior, or I die.

Wash me, Savior, or I die! Oh, how I have felt this, as thought I would fall apart if I were left to my own devices. And truly, what would happen if I, unwashed and in the filth of my own flesh, stood before a pure and holy God? I'm not exactly sure, but I can imagine that the only word to describe it fully is death, because He would not, COULD not, look upon me and I would be alone, separated forever from Him.

While I draw this fleeting breath, when mine eyes shall close in death, when I rise to worlds unknown, and behold Thee on Thy throne, Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in Thee. Let me hide myself, let me hide myself, let me hide myself in Thee.

Let me hide myself...let me hide myself...If only, every single day, I hid myself in my Jesus. It is not me who is worth knowing...It's Him in me. So often in my pride I think myself higher than I ought, and I parade around as though I'm the one worth gazing upon or following or admiring. Not so, people...If you know me well I'm sure you can attest to it. Oh, how I wish I hid myself in Him more often.

The bug...Turning five

2008-01-09T16:02:00.001-05:00

Since I've been married I've been able to enjoy my daughter even more than ever, just because I've got someone to share the responsibilities of the house with...When she and I were alone here, Momma did the lawn and the snow-blowing and the cleaning of gutters and the bagging of a million leaves, but now that time is over and I have some room to breathe and be a "normal" mom.

I was struck recently that she's going to be five years old, and I started crying...I cry almost every day about it. I've reverted back to spoiling her for no reason...I watch her while she sleeps, more than I ever have...I make a point to hunker down on the couch for a good movie with her every week or so, just so I can have that time to sit with her and smell her hair. I am grieving the loss of my little wee one, and anticipating the new person that is emerging.

I'm sure every mom knows where they could have done better, and I'm sure every mom hits that time in their kids' lives when they look back and wish they could change certain things. Surely I worry about her, especially when I see those little parts of her that are so reflective of myself, things I wish I could change about me. I hope someday she forgives me for those faults of mine that I have passed on to her. I wish she could stay innocent and unscathed by the world, but she can't...She has to grow up and use all she learns to make her own choices. I'm afraid of what she'll choose...On more than one occasion I know she will not choose the right path. I guess all I can do, then, is love her all the more, and remind her often that she'll always be my wee one, no matter what.

I think that's Italy...

2007-11-18T15:54:00.001-05:00

Good call, Aaron...

Feet

2007-11-02T08:39:00.003-04:00

I put up a bunch of new feet pics at home the other day, to replace the older ones we had up. The more that we practice this strange tradition, the more I love it...It's like the story of our
travels. Some of our friends have even taken pics of THEIR feet for us on their own adventures, just because they thought we'd like it. I'm sure when we're old and gray we'll look at our progressively aging feet pictures and laugh.

Pulpit

2007-10-29T15:28:00.000-04:00

FBBC got a new pulpit, and it's pretty neato...etched glass, nice and shiny and in the style of the new building. The old pulpit is now in the cove, which is our little chapel room. Just like the old building, I didn't realize my emotional attachment to the object until it was gone. That was Pastor's pulpit! I'll get over that, too. :)

Anyways, I had opportunity to speak to a group of women from that old pulpit...I walked into the cove early that morning and eyeballed it. I thought about the principles I have learned from the teachings of men speaking from that pulpit...I thought of the great men of God who have stood there and spoken words that only the Holy Spirit could have given them. I walked behind it and saw on the base the scuff marks of those who preached from it often...The spot where their feet must have brushed it over and over again.

We've all got a pulpit, in one form or another. Some of us are parents and we feel like we're constantly preaching. Many of us, whether we know it or not, are being watched...Someone respects you or tries to be like you or thinks you're "pretty cool", and you've got the pulpit! I never really considered that every day of my life I am teaching someone how to live. If I encourage someone, reject someone, embrace someone, teach someone, love someone, ignore someone, and on and on...Whoever is the object of those actions, I am affecting them in one way or another. I take the Pastor's pulpit so seriously...But I can be unprepared and falling apart at my own "pulpit" and that's just A-OK!!! Not really. I guess before I open my mouth I might want to consider the state of my heart.

The Promised Land Ain't Easy

2007-10-16T12:48:00.000-04:00

I've been mulling over this church thing, and over this marriage thing...I've wanted both for a long time.

I wanted this church for a long time, and now it's here, and I'm still struggling. I tried to get into the auditorium today just to sit and be still, and the doors were locked. I went back to the old building, too, so that maybe I could find that quiet place I was seeking, and it, too, was locked. I feel like my church isn't mine, perhaps...I need someone with keys to let me into everyplace, and that's a change. Don't get me wrong, people...It's beautiful. It's God's house, one that He built, and I do love it. I love its grandeur...The Lord deserves all that and more. But I struggle anyways, just in my human-ness, with the newness of it.

I wanted this marriage for a long time, too...I invested in a relationship, and now I got the very thing I wanted, and again I struggle. Not with the choice, whether it was the right thing...I'm struggling with me, my own heart. My selfish flesh doesn't want to conform, doesn't want to submit, doesn't want to be told anything other than its own opinion. And now, every day, that is challenged and I am forced to be molded. Either that or live miserably.

I feel like those Israelites that didn't want to live in the Promised Land. I kind of understand why they didn't go in. It was a change, one fraught with opposition. I'm trying to get my heart around it, that the Lord has great things planned for His people if they'll go all the way with Him. And so I'll try not to fight this building, try not to complain about it and make it more difficult than it is, I'll minister in it and take ownership...And my prayer is that God will make it part of my heart. Ironically, I hope that I endure hardship in this new building, and that I weep before God there. I hope that I cleave to this house the Lord built...Not the building, per se, but to the knowledge that He is just as much in this building as He was in the last.

And as for marriage, I'm in it for the long haul. I know it'll never be a breeze...I married a stubborn one just like me. God obviously has a sense of humor...I've met my perfect match.

I see the Lord stripping me of every little thing. I see Him chiseling away at me...At my pride, at my insecurity, at all of the things that I control. He's getting the "me" out of everything, and I must say, it's pretty painful. In the end I hope that I'll be a vessel of the shape and size and capacity that He wants me to be.

I'm fine...

2007-09-20T13:44:00.000-04:00

I was talking to a good friend today, and we were considering how many people put on such a perfect "I'm fine" face even when they're so not fine. Perhaps we're afraid to let the real truth out, because just maybe we're the ONLY ONE who's not fine. My friend and I concluded that NO ONE is perfectly fine, and we might as well just have it out.

Maybe we've all propagated this attitude ourselves by rushing by each other and saying things like "How're ya doing?" and then not stopping to hear the answer. Maybe we shouldn't ask unless we have the time, or keep asking and just slow down for five seconds to make sure that the person we asked is really as "fine" as they say they are.

Personally, I have no qualms telling the world wide web that I am rarely, if ever, "just fine". It's always something. Not to say I'm unhappy, or that my life is a disaster all the time...I just mean that I'll be the first to say that I'm dealing with some issues. I have a hunch that I'm not the only one.

Houseful

2007-09-16T20:26:00.001-04:00

Just blessed to have had a houseful of people here last evening. I love hearing all the voices in every room, outside, downstairs and up...The voices of people who minister to me more than I think they'll ever know, just by being in the house. Love you guys.

There's No Place Like Home...

2007-09-09T17:16:00.000-04:00

Well, we've moved into the new church building finally, and we've been trying to find our way around these last couple of weeks. I think I have a decent grip on the location of things now. It's huge...Really huge. Like walking into some kind of theater or something. I keep saying it'll feel like home eventually, but for now I'm homesick for the familiarity of the old church building, the comfy sardine-like feeling of that old lobby, and the joy of seeing Mr. Pestke in his spot every week. I was gently reminded of our old church home this morning when, mid-church service, the pages of my Bible started turning on their own, due to a nice chilly draft in the main auditorium...I guess the good-ol' FBBC freezing-cold auditorium draft has followed us to our new building.

I remember our last time being in a service in our old building, pausing at the door before we left just to look in one more time. I grieved great losses and celebrated many joys there; I had the privilege of learning to trust and lean on my brothers and sisters in Christ; I saw God give and take away in my own life and in the lives of those I love; I watched God make a place for me in a church of 2,000. As I remember all of the life-shaping things that happened there, I look forward in great anticipation of what is to come.

My husband and I were the last wedding at 1039 N. Greece Road. We asked our wedding photographer to capture us saying good-bye to the building, and I think she did an amazing job...This picture is the one that I like best.

Memories of Philly

2007-09-07T14:13:00.000-04:00

I just got the munchies, and I was searching the kitchen when I came across a sleeve of peanut butter sandwich cookies. I don't buy them myself...I usually try not to buy junk food. Anyways, I took them out of the cupboard and opened them up, and that artificial peanut butter taste reminded me of where I got them...

Our honeymoon went just about perfectly until we tried going home. We were 4 hours late flying out of a completely un-airconditioned airport in Puerto Rico in mid-August, and missed our connecting flight in Philadelphia. They told us to get our baggage, then they told us not to, then they told us they didn't know where it was. They offered us a night in a hotel in New Jersey, but by then it was midnight and our re-scheduled flight was for 6:20am. We ended up sleeping (I use that term loosely) on the floor of the airport, freezing because the AC was cranked to full blast even though it was only 60 degrees outside.

So they gave us these care packages...There was toothpaste and a toothbrush, women's deodorant, a packet of Woolite (like I'm gonna do laundry right then and there), a "blanket" that was made out of what looked and felt like tinfoil, and a sleeve of peanut butter sandwich cookies. We had a good laugh as we huddled under our spaceman blankets and rested our heads on our backpacks.

Well done, U.S. Airways...Well done.

Feet in a Large Room

2007-09-04T02:25:00.000-04:00

I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room. Psalm 31:7-8

I've been struck lately with my own inadequacies...It seems as thought the Lord is taking an "in your face" approach to showing me my shortcomings. I struggle against my selfishness in my own strength, and of course I fail miserably. Anyone who read that last entry will see a pattern - my flesh has a strong desire to be SELF-SUFFICIENT, needing no one, and I am finding more and more that if I live that way I will be alone, in every way that one can be alone. I also strive to CONTROL everything, because obviously I'm the one who knows how things should go.

Tonight I was reminded of the tremendous way in which the Lord delivered me. He forgave me...He forgave a woman who must grieve Him to His core on a regular basis. I speak and even before the words come out I can hear how they must pierce His ears...I act and before I'm on to the next thing I know that I have injured Him once again. For whatever reason, he continues to forgive, over and over...Psalm 78 says He remembers that His people are flesh, and that He is full of compassion.

And on top of the forgiveness, He piles on the blessings and pulls me from the messes that I myself create. He has taken my broken life and restored it; He has taken my grief and has exchanged it for blessing; He has taught me endless lessons from the paths that I have chosen, good and bad. I hear the footsteps of the man who loves me downstairs, and I am overwhelmed at the goodness of my God, who has set my feet in a large room.

I wish I understood why He does all of this. Perhaps that'll be my first question for Him.

Three Stones up a Mountain

2007-08-30T00:24:00.004-04:00

I'm sure we've all felt stretched at one point or another, just stressed by the everyday-life things, or by circumstances that seem too huge to battle. Most people with pride like mine come up with a variety of not-so-good solutions...I put my head down and push through. I tell myself I can do it and I carry on like nothing is wrong. I carry the load, and finally, inevitably, I crumble under the weight and fall. This has been my story these last few weeks, maybe even longer, and this time I decided to try a different approach.

I carried three stones up a mountain. One was jagged, and probably would've cut me had I stepped on it in bare feet...Lots of sharp edges. One was big and heavy, cumbersome to carry. And one really had no defining characteristics...Just a rock, not exceptionally big or small, but like all stones, it added weight and it would have been my preference not to have it along with me. I know they weren't that big, but they seemed big to me...Annoying I guess, just because of how long I'd been dealing with their presence.

I had tried and tried to rid myself of them before. I put them behind the shed or in the garden, thinking I could hide them or make them pretty. Even if they looked nice in the garden, there they were. Rocks. And even if I couldn't see them behind the shed, they were there anyways, waiting for the lawnmower to come and throw them closer to the house, or to dull the blade up. No matter what, they were there.

So I packed my three stones into my backpack, along with water and a few granola bars, and I started my ascent. It's easy at first, when you've got a lot of energy. You can skip and run and smile about the trip, like it's not going to hurt. I didn't notice how heavy my cargo was at first, either. No sweat! Of course the climbing gets harder after a while, and you meet obstacles and unexpected terrain...The surprise this day was snow and ice - something I hadn't considered a possibility in mid-May. So the boots that are great for gripping rocks are NOT so great for gripping great big blocks of ice. I grabbed onto the trees on the side of the trail, praying the branches wouldn't snap, and every so often I'd slip anyways.

I thought about those stones on the way up...What they meant to me. Those stones were my burdens, those things in my life that were too heavy to deal with on my own. Some burdens were small and jagged, some big and heavy, some unremarkable. I probably should have put a boulder in there, just for the drama...I surely feel at times like there's a boulder in my life I can't move or rid myself of. I told God about what I was carrying. I told Him about each stone, and what it represented. And I told Him that I was bringing those stones to Him, so I could leave them with Him at the top of the mountain.

There's something about high places that makes me feel free. There's no car noise, no cell phones, nothing to distract. And maybe I feel closer to God there because of that. I know it's kind of an illusion, and I know that mountaintops are not a must for doing business with God, but the Lord gave me the privilege and the time for actually carrying my stones up a real mountain. I did reach the top, and I had a panoramic view of the mountains surrounding the one I was on. I saw smaller mountains, easier ones to climb, and there were the big ones that looked like they'd be impossible to get up.

I took my three stones out of my backpack and set them on the summit, and I told my Lord that I was leaving them there with Him to do with as He pleased. It wasn't easy to bring Him those burdens and I had to swallow my pride to admit my inability to deal with them on my own. I told Him that I didn't know what to do with them, and that they were consuming me. Oddly enough, I found it difficult to walk away, like I needed to stay and continue reminding God of them. I guess in my humanity I think myself to be God's alarm, the one who tells Him what to do and how to do it, and so I wanted to keep my burdens company and keep telling God about how great I was to leave them with Him...And tell Him to dispose of them my way. But I did walk away. I left them up there to be worn by the elements, or to be picked up by other people and thrown over the edge of the cliffs. Who knows. The point is, I have no idea what will come of them.

Before I started down the mountain, I picked up a stone...Not one of the ones I had brought. I put in it my pocket to carry down with me, as a reminder. Seems stupid, I guess...Carry three stones up and bring one down. Why not just take two up and call it even? But I want to remember where my burdens are, that they're on top of a high place, given away to the God that made the majesty of those mountains.

The descent was even harder than the climb up...A sled would've been nice. I stumbled down the mountain, tired and hungry and ready for rest, but satisfied with the exchange I had made on the top. One mediocre meal and a five-hour drive later I was home, all showered and under the covers in my bed, praying that I would remember the next morning where my burdens were and that I wouldn't allow them to consume me again. My burdens are not on a mountaintop...They are at the feet of my God. And when I think of them, which will happen, I will respond with the truth, that they are at the feet of Christ, and that it is He who will decide what happens to them. I know there will be more burdens, but I also know that the God who I left these burdens with isn't just in the high peaks. He's here with me, waiting to bare my load if only I will surrender it.