Warren and I are going to California. And up until today I have been scared out of my wits. I am petrified of airplanes, and even more than that, after the birth of Jude I became increasingly aware of our responsibility as parents, to make good choices and to stay safe - and preferably alive - for our kids. At work I have become more and more conscious of my humanity, my equality with those that I care for. I am the same as them...One day they may have been fine, and the next they needed a whole new heart, or at least help with the one they already had. Today I am fine...But five minutes from now I may not be.
For a while I didn't even think I could go anywhere - I didn't want to risk it. I have cried...a lot...just in fear, and in uncertainty about the future if something awful were to happen to us. I have spent some time with each of the kids as they were sleeping, just thinking about things and hoping that I love them enough every day for them to remember it. Every day I have thanked the Lord for the day that has passed, and prayed for one more if He sees fit.
I told my husband that before we set foot inside the death-trap airplane, we must have our wills finished. I didn't want to leave things to be decided by our families (or God forbid by our government). So we've been thinking and praying over our wishes. I've had to surrender each of my babies to the Lord, over and over in my heart, because no matter what we choose, it really comes down to believing that God will take care of them. God will take care of them even though our oldest will be separated from our other two...God will take care of them even though someone else will be parenting them all...God will take care of them because He loves them more than I do.
Can you believe that? It's so hard for me to think about someone loving them more than I do. I was talking to Warren the other night about parenthood, and about how you have these little people that you'd throw yourself in front of a bus for. Without a second thought. But my God loves them even MORE than that, and I believe that He will take care of them even if I cannot be there with them.
Maybe this is a little bit deep for a Monday evening, but it's where I have been for quite a while now. I think it has made my life deeper, more rich and full than it has ever been. I have peace about things, finally, not because I have control of the variables but because I know who does. And I do believe that the ones I hold closest to my heart are held even closer to God's - and in that I can rest.
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