Empty

Some more blog entries I found in draft...

6.29.09

I was on my way to work the other day and a thought occurred to me...I had been thinking about events of the week before, events of this past year in my own life, and events that I can foresee in the not-so-distant future...And I came to the conclusion that I am in a season (yes, Sara, a season) of emptying.

I have been discouraged at so many things...At myself, for not being a better person, a better wife, a better mom, and better friend of God...And discouraged, maybe even angry at those around me, for similar reasons. I've been so focused for so long on myself that here I am, a bit lonely, and I know it's mostly my own fault that I haven't made myself a part of anyone else's heart.

I've been noticing that things and people are being taken away. This week my mother's mom passed away, and it has caused my to consider that time is surely passing quickly and generations are making their way through this life and into eternity. I was a young girl when my grandfather passed away, but I'm grown now and my parents are that much older. I am especially close with my father's parents, and I can cry on a dime if I think of the loss of those I adore and admire so deeply.

I've been put through trials that are, in essence, a test of trust, a test of faith, a test of endurance...Each day is a test of whether or not I trust the Lord with what is precious to me. When I think I've come to terms with "letting go", another storm comes and I am swept under again, realizing yet again that I trust God very little with those He has entrusted to me for a time.

So I asked the Lord "why" this all is, all at the same time, all overwhelming...And I believe that this is an emptying - that is the difficult reality. If I take the woman I am, and I take away my control (which is only perceived), my freedom (which is easily revoked), my will, my "self"...And I am refilled with love that is not my own, freedom that can't be taken away, peace beyond all understanding...Who then will I be?

9.14.09

This past month, or maybe year...well, whatever...as of late so many things have changed, and i am not one who likes change much. i've had some thoughts, lots of them actually, these past months and have written nothing down, maybe because i'm lazy, but more likely because i didn't want to sit and really impress upon myself the gravity of things.

last week hannah went to school...public school...for the first time. i am at peace with the decision, but the change is extreme. she goes off to someone else every morning, and i guess it gives me some rest and time to be with naomi alone, but mostly i just miss her. i'm glad to hear her stories when she comes home, happy to hear she's doing well...but in my heart i ache a bit because i enjoy her presence and i can't have it.

then yesterday our neighbors, who we adore, told us they may be moving. now, as an adult i can handle it...but all hannah can think about right now is the fact that her bike-riding buddy won't be here anymore. last night she started grieving that loss, even before they've moved...she considered in her mind what it will be like without her friend two doors down, and she could barely stand it. and so she cried...hard. it was all i could do not to cry hard along with her...i, too, have had friends who moved from me recently. not geographically, but their season in my life is passed and i've had to let go. i was talking to warren last night, just wondering if we all might be better off if we grieved like children do...they anticipate the reality of things, and they begin to grieve - not secretly or when everyone is asleep, but right out in the open, so that they can be carried through it all by the ones they love and trust. and kids are so honest...i asked hannah if she believes that God will bring her another friend, and she said she didn't know. in honesty, i think sometimes we say we have faith when we have none, and perhaps we'd be better encouraged by others if we just told the truth...sometimes we just don't know what God will do.

and personally, adding to my list of changes, i am in a state of being broken...and i'm having a hard time. i see my stubbornness, my waywardness, and my resistance, and i still fight and fight as though i can win. yesterday i prayed (perhaps this wasn't a good idea...) that God will continue to break me. i am in need of it, even though it is painful...i have so much to let go of, and so much fear that nothing will be taken care of if i don't have my hand in it. but such is this process of learning and growing, that another season of letting go has come into my life.

5.3.11

I can't really say whether or not this season of mine is over even now. I feel as though I am being filled again, and as though the storms have passed at least for now. But I'm thankful to see that I've been brought through a time of barrenness. At the time I think it just felt dark and alone, but now I can see the good that has come out of it, and I can see how I have been changed by it. Funny how so much of my struggle is with letting go of control, and how just yesterday I was talking about our wills and the kids and all of that...It's like the trials were all leading to this. Coincidence, perhaps, but I doubt it.

thoughts on a monday night...

Warren and I are going to California. And up until today I have been scared out of my wits.

I am petrified of airplanes, and even more than that, after the birth of Jude I became increasingly aware of our responsibility as parents, to make good choices and to stay safe - and preferably alive - for our kids. At work I have become more and more conscious of my humanity, my equality with those that I care for. I am the same as them...One day they may have been fine, and the next they needed a whole new heart, or at least help with the one they already had. Today I am fine...But five minutes from now I may not be.

For a while I didn't even think I could go anywhere - I didn't want to risk it. I have cried...a lot...just in fear, and in uncertainty about the future if something awful were to happen to us. I have spent some time with each of the kids as they were sleeping, just thinking about things and hoping that I love them enough every day for them to remember it. Every day I have thanked the Lord for the day that has passed, and prayed for one more if He sees fit.

I told my husband that before we set foot inside the death-trap airplane, we must have our wills finished. I didn't want to leave things to be decided by our families (or God forbid by our government). So we've been thinking and praying over our wishes. I've had to surrender each of my babies to the Lord, over and over in my heart, because no matter what we choose, it really comes down to believing that God will take care of them. God will take care of them even though our oldest will be separated from our other two...God will take care of them even though someone else will be parenting them all...God will take care of them because He loves them more than I do.

Can you believe that? It's so hard for me to think about someone loving them more than I do. I was talking to Warren the other night about parenthood, and about how you have these little people that you'd throw yourself in front of a bus for. Without a second thought. But my God loves them even MORE than that, and I believe that He will take care of them even if I cannot be there with them.

Maybe this is a little bit deep for a Monday evening, but it's where I have been for quite a while now. I think it has made my life deeper, more rich and full than it has ever been. I have peace about things, finally, not because I have control of the variables but because I know who does. And I do believe that the ones I hold closest to my heart are held even closer to God's - and in that I can rest.

what love does

Yesterday I was inspired to start writing again, in my loads of free time (ha, ha)...I found a few posts in draft that I think I'll share...

11.2.09 I talked to my Pap (my dad's father) this morning, and he's been struggling with a lot of pain issues in his knee recently. I asked him how he was doing and he said he was doing pretty cruddy. He's not one to complain, unless it's about me not locking my screen door or buying a timer for my water heater, so when he says he's hurting...well...he's really hurting.

Then he said that he'd rather HIS knee hurt than my grandmother's or my dad's...He'd rather have it happen to him than to someone else. He said, "That's what love does to you."

Crutches for Christmas...A word of advice to all parents.

To anyone who has or will have children...Christmas is coming, and I have one word for you:

Crutches.

We have a very unique 6 year old in our home, and last year she made it known that she wished she had crutches. So we went on eBay and bought her a youth pair of crutches, all the while thinking that this must be the weirdest thing a kid could possibly get for Christmas.

So she opens the gift, screams a happy scream, and around the house she goes on her crutches. Except down the stairs.

We have visitors pretty often...We have families over or kids from the neighborhood come to play. Here is the most common conversation I hear coming from the playroom...

"Hey Hannah, did you break your leg or something?"

"No...I got those for Christmas."

"Oh...(pause...) Oooohh, these are SO COOL!"

And around the house the visiting kid goes (except down the stairs) on the crutches. And maybe even outside if it's nice.

Yesterday I walked over to our neighbor's driveway to get Hannah, and her friend was in the middle of asking her..."Can we get out your crutches?"

So that's my word of wisdom for the day, and for the Christmas season for all of you parents who can't think of anything your kid needs or wants...It's a sure winner.

I knew it was You...

"I knew it was you...The whole time I knew it. But the others didn't believe me."

"And why would that stop you from coming to me?"



Oh, the times that I knew it was the Lord and I didn't bother to find Him because of the disbelief of others...

Interesting how Lucy has to go alone to meet him, how she has to travel light, how she has to travel a road that isn't easy. And this is how we must go also...Alone, with nothing but faith. She wonders, too, about what would have happened had she gone to him earlier, if the casualties would have been fewer...I wonder if the lives of those around me would be eternally different if I obeyed at once instead of waiting.

I wish I could be braver, too.